your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
