I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
This baby is an asshole
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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