It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The uberlube is also flammable
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
