at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You can't motorboat a personality
I met the friendliest cop last night
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
She told me I should be a condom model.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
