Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
