Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He did a backflip because drugs
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
