Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
