I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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