you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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