There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
