I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
