I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
