SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
