if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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