Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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