Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
