Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
