69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
love makes seman taste better
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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