no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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