idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Randomize
