Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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