No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
