I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
