i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
