The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Randomize
