i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
