in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
