I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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