The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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