i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
