So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
