I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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