I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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