Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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