Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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