and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
