Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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