I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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