Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
