So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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