There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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