My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
