Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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