Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
do nipples grow back?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
