I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
