Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
