Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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