You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
