6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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