Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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