The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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